Thursday, March 15, 2007



Every great dramatic character has had his own great antagonist. Drama arises from the clash of a good man with his antithesis. Sherlock Holmes has Professor Moriarty, Ahab has the leviathin, Superman has Lex Luthor, the Batman has The Joker, Oedipus has Jocasta, Darkwing Duck has that evil version of Darkwing duck that wore yellow, even Mork has Mindy. I am no different. I am but a man plagued by all the evils contained within pandora's box personified. Iniquity, thy name be Alyssa.

All week during my spring break I was tortured with the repitition of varriations on the same pun. Since I didn't have a magic muffin that grants my every wish, I was unable to achieve a world free of punny terrors. I opennly rued the day some eccentric italian looked at Renaisance art and said 'yes but what would be fabulous is if it were even more flamboyant', and thus inspired the baroque movement. Just saying the word makes me cringe because I know somewhere in the world Alyssa is laying in wait for her next oppertunity to say 'if it ain't baroque, don't fix it'. My stomach turns.

At least thats the way it started, an innocent quote from Cogsworth (that cock blocking clock) in Beauty and the Beast. But it went on from there. When she saw the dome of the Duomo, she said we should call a repairman. When she saw St. Peter's square, she requested hammer and nails. She committed the ultimate Art Historical blaspheme when she started insisting classical ruins were baroque.

That's not even the worst part! I just read her blog (, and found out she's PROUD of what she did. She even reprised some of her vile puns. Back in my day we had a word for someone like her: 'witch'. I say we burn her! I say we pile up some bundles of wood (I know a fascist we can borrow some from) and burn the she-devil.

Who's with me?


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